Here it is, a wet February 23rd- the day I promised myself I would be lying on a beach some place hot and sunny. And here I am, in Victoria, in the grey, cold snowy rain. I made a promise to myself that I did not keep. And it got me thinking about other promises I’ve made to myself that I haven’t kept; like 1) the promise to make only healthy food choices 2) The promise to wait for Mr. Wright- and choosing Mr. Wrong (even when I saw red flags right at the beginning) and 3) the promise to write regularly.
I decided to take a look at those broken promises and practice an exercise I learned from Gay Hendricks. First you look at the commitment (promise) that you haven’t kept, and see if it has happened 3 or more times. If it has, then you have an unconscious commitment that is stronger than your conscious commitment. Next you (a) identify the unconscious commitment, (b) embrace it, and finally (c) change it to a commitment that better serves you.
All of my commitments happened 3 or more times; specifically- 1) a life time of healthy eating followed by eating fattening foods, gaining weight and going back to healthy eating 2) I chose several Mr. Wrongs- settling for less than I truly desired; and 3) I have started and stopped writing more times than I’d like to admit. So yes, I have stronger unconscious commitments than the conscious promises I made for all three.
The first step is (a) to identify what the unconscious commitment is. So, for my commitment to make healthy food choices, I have a stronger unconscious commitment to eating foods that I like. For waiting for my Ideal Beloved- I have an unconscious commitment to choosing Mr. Wrong (thinking I can fix those flaws and create Mr. Wright). For writing, I have an unconscious commitment to write only when I feel like it.
The beauty of this exercise is you don’t need to look into the deeper reasons- just what the obvious commitment is (the opposite of your desired intention). That is the commitment you are more committed to. The objective is to shine the light of awareness lightly on it, with no judgement or harshness.
Next, you (b) embrace that commitment, celebrate it- like, ‘oh great! Now I see why I (keep eating fattening foods, or keep choosing Mr. Wrongs, or aren’t consistent with my writing or…)! Am I ever good at keeping that commitment!’ No need to get into analysis- into the depths of why or why not, (although insights may come) just notice your unconscious commitments, and how great you are at living up to them! So my obvious commitments are 1) I like to eat foods I enjoy 2) I choose Mr. Wrongs and think I can change them into Mr. Wrights, and 3) I write only when I feel like it.
Shining a light on the truth is like shining a light in the darkness- you can see more clearly! This gives you room to (c) change those commitments to ones that serve you better. So for my examples, clear positive commitments to replace them are- 1) I commit to vibrant health 2) I commit to healthy loving relationships with men and 3) I commit to making writing my spiritual practice. Those feel more empowering, positive and exciting to me!!
Replacing our broken promises with new commitments helps us lighten up by: creating new neural pathways, freeing up the heaviness connected to broken self-promises, seeing you do keep promises you made at a subconscious level, and enabling you to create new commitments that you can empower yourself with (I’m sure there are other ways it helps us lighten up- would love to hear your thoughts!).
So next time you are getting down on yourself for sabotaging your efforts- for not keeping a commitment to yourself- check to see if it’s happened 3 or more times in your life. If so, look for the unconscious commitment you have been honouring, celebrate it, and then make a decision to replace it with one that will serve you better. This is NOT about beating yourself up- practice some self-compassion here- this is about lightening up- choosing healthier habits that will help you live a life filled with more love, light and laughter.
Better yet, rather than waiting for next time you break a promise to yourself, why not try the exercise now? It’s as easy as abc! Why not pick three commitments you have broken to yourself, and try out the exercise on them! If you’d like to share your old and new commitments, need some help with them, or have a comment, I’d love to hear from you!
Until next time, be good to yourself! YOU are your greatest asset!!!